Realisation

These last few days have been pretty eventful.
Last night was my first ever night on my own at home, and I actually managed it. I am used to days on my own, well afternoons etc after school and days from school holidays but still: I managed to not stay awake all night thinking someone will break in, I managed to get my Grandad (when he came down) and I fed, I managed to sort the pets, get to bed and get up on time for work. It may not seem like much, but I was responsible for the first time on my own for animals and the house and it was ok :)
I got to work half an hour early, and went into new look. No one else was in there, so I decided to look in the inspire section. I realised they have such nice clothes in there, and just because I am big, it doesn't mean I can't dress feminine. If I am honest, it installed a little bit of confidence in me, I still hate the body I am stuck in, but I know there are clothes I can fit in where my size is the lowest, and they feel so much nicer. Sure, there isn't a huge selection, as lets be honest, I am not a size 8/10/12 and probably never will be. But, I know there are clothes, not many but still, they are there that are "in fashion" as so to speak that are designed for larger bodies, it feels a bit better :)

Work was ok, had a bit of a joke, I am starting to come out of my shell a little bit :) it is still very hard work, and draining but it is money, and I feel good knowing I am doing something productive. Since I have been home I have put some washing on, loaded and emptied the dishwasher, and re loaded, sorted the chinchilla and now sitting down :)

Not gonna lie, I am looking forward to people coming home, but it was nice to be alone for a night just to experience it, and I don't think it would be a lie to say I would be prepared to do it again tonight if I was put in that situation :)

Today was a good day =D

Sorry I have neglected this.

I doubt many people will be interested but hey XD

I hate talking about this stuff, so it probably won't make much sense blah blah blah. I have decided that enough is enough and I cannot put up with this body any more. I hate not looking ok in clothes, I hate not being able to go shopping with friends because I feel ashamed of what size I am, and I hate not being ok with what I look like. I honestly believe I will feel so much better once I have lost weight. A teacher at school used to be of a larger size, but recently she has lost so much weight and everyone comments on how fantastic she looks. She does look great, but she also smiles so much more now. I need to lose weight by September, as I will be having media lessons in an all boys school. I find it awkward around males anyway, and being so ashamed of how I look will make the whole situation worse. Obviously I will still be at the school I am now for the rest of the time, but I need to start doing something about it. Plus we are going on holiday in August, and I need to see some sort of improvement by then.

I don't know how to go about this, I want the weight loss to be fairly fast and of a large amount. I know it probably isn't healthy, but whatever, when I am at where I want to be, I will take it slowly and build it up to normal, it's fine, I just need to get there. So far I have done one thing I said I would do, if I feel hungry, go out and walk. I went out and put a prescription but I am back and still feel hungry. I need to find something that will fill me up/ get rid of cravings and that has no calories or fat. I know this doesn't exist, so basically I need a miracle.

Meh, sorry :)

Weird Stuff

I'm going to blog about this even though I sound like a complete idiot.

I'm fed up of being called weird and shouted at by dad. I start to panic when something I don't think is "safe" is put on TV. For example mum put britain's got talent on, I used to love that show, but recently the whole being scared of illness crap has flared up really bad and I can't watch things like that on tv because it is so unpredictable. I can watch it on my own because I can deal with it how I like, i can fast foward, hide, go out of of the room, go into a ball etc etc, with people I can't. So yeah mum put it on and i screamed and got up quickly and sat at the table. I don't know why I couldn't just make an excuse and go upstairs, I hadto make it obvious. idiot. My dad started shouting at me asking what it was about and started going "tell me what, what was that about... tell me... come on.... tell me weirdo... what was that abotu" I can't stand shouting, I cant stand being of something so stupid scared and letting it take over. I could cope just about in the early stages, I couldn't watch casulty, road wars things like that. But now, I cant watch things, I cant be around people, I hate travelling. I hate hate hate hate hate it.

post pals

One of the most fantastic ideas have a look and maybe send something to make an ill child smile :)

www.postpals.co.uk

Really pathetic ramble: Taekwondo

We were told last week (my first lesson back after the operation) that we have grading in 3 weeks. Now I know that I will not be ready for it, i mean my fitness has gone to pieces, I could only manage the first 20 odd minutes of the lesson before going to sit outside for the rest. I can't do sit ups or anything yet, I don't know why, recovery shouldn't take this long, im back running, but my taekwondo has gone to pieces. I can't remember patterns or anything, missed learning one of them. I have no idea if it is a defence thing, but I was getting the pains again, and thus getting really paranoid they didn't take the appendix out like they said, which i know is stupid. It just hurt doing it and basically my stomach muscles are awful, no idea why. *end rant about muscles and such*

About the grading, I am so angry at myself, I know, *know* I will not be able to do it, as it involves sit ups, knowing the patterns, theory, and it is a very tough work out for it, it really does take it out of you when you are healthy. I am so competitive and strive on not falling behind on things like this, I hate it when people who are at the same level as I am achieve more, and I know that the people on the same belt as me going up to the higher one, and me not, will make me feel like crap, I will end up wanting to quit.

I don't know what to do, I can't ask about it because he will think I am stupid when the answer is so obvious. I am not fit enough, I am not good enough.

Im screwed. I hate the fact I make a huge fuss over a small thing. I hate that I have wasted your time and feeling slightly sorry for myself/ being pathetic.

Hope all are well, sorry .

alcohol

fed up with alcohol causing all the bloody problems here

Help please (blog related)

I keep getting these annoying square messages on my posts. Anyone know how to stop them? I have changed the password ages ago but just got an email saying I have another post, the square thing again, one can be seen on "hospital"

anoying, thanks in advance

Hospital

hmm well I guess I should blog about this as it is a pretty significant thing that has happened!

This isn't going to be well written because I can't be bothered so yeah...


Tuesday I felt ill with severe stomach pains so was off school (started getting them on the bus monday night). Parents decided to take me to hospital tuesday night and there I stayed up until about an hour ago...

So basically went to the doctor lady and she done some tests then sent me up to the surgical assessment unit where they examined me and stole some bloods. They told me I had an appendicitus. Then I was escorted to a ward with 3 other people and they were all really nice :) I was then given some drugs and anti sickness which nearly made me faint ::) Erm, then what happened, oh I had to fast from midnight and had hardly eaten anything anyway, I fasted til 4pm, so for 16 hours ¬_¬ instead of 8. Then had to put on the gown, and was taken to surgery. They asked if I measured in cm or inches and I can't remember what else. I was woken up and in recovery and hurt loads. I remember being taken to the ward and seeing mum and dad on the way. I was all dopey from anaesthetic and felt so ill (but wasn't sick at all in hospital) apparently I was a pale green colour ::) It took 2 hours instead of 20 mins. It was key hole surgery which is basically 4 small wounds instead of one big one. I saw the picture of my insides XD

I learnt you lose ALL dignity and shizz. Yesterday I felt pretty poo as I still had some anaesthetic going around in me and had another faint feeling and sick feeling episode. By then all the nice people were gone, and 3 people I didn't know were there, 2 of which kept being sick. Erm, I was told my heart was too fast and that my heamoglobinz (no idea how to spell it and that looks nice) I had my blood stolen in the night and had pulse done every hour or so.They said I had hb of 8 or something, so have been given iron tablets and painkillers and said I was a bit aneamic. (sp?) I felt kinda ill most of the time but its out now and I am home, with proper food and stuff. I can't do things for like a month, but hey we're getting there :)

Burns Night

so tonight is burns night, we are having a traditional scottish tea and I get to recite "address to a haggis"

should be a great night :)

Race for life

I have taken the plunge and am doing it this year for obviously, an extremely worthy cause, please help the charity by sponsoring me, any amount will be greatly appreciated
thank you all so much

www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/kerrylouise7

update and stuff

Ok, well I haven't done a blog in a while, and I have no work with me in my free, so hey might as well do something semi productive.

Not much has happened to be fair, I have booked my first set of driving lessons, pretty nervous but excited at the same time. I have a 2 hour lesson on my birthday so that should be pretty cool :)

Erm, I am taking part in a writing competition for our local paper on the theme of "childhood" I have written and completed my poem already and my youth group leader read it and said it was amazingly good, or something like that. I am not a fan of my own work, but the family and M said it was good, so I might as well submit it, seeing as I wrote it for that anyway... Although I still need to come up with a title and tweak it a bit, but hey that is expected.

Apart from that, I don't think there is much else, nothing nice to write about anyway. Some things are still pretty sucky but at least the exam is over. Oh, yes the exam!

I had my AS level RE retake on the 13th *shudders at the date* the college was so much more relaxed and stuff than I expected and the exam was much better, so hopefully I have done better than last time.

Oh I just remembered, my jaw disloacted last night. No idea how I could forget as it still hurts laods. I done it by biting into a tomato.... But the jaw is messed up anyway, so hey it is expected I guess. But it took 45 minutes to get it back in, but I avoided going to the hospital yay!

I think that is pretty much it for now, school is pretty much the same, as is home and stuff. I have my taekwondo grading on the 30th, so am in the process of learning the stuff, doing coursework and generally working on making "stuff" manageable. busy busy busy.

Bye :)