Rambly stuff

I really shouldn't write about this stuff here, and will try to make future blogs more positive.
As you probably know today would have been Grandad's birthday so to say the least today has been awful. I'm not sure what to do, after yesterday seeing the ashes in private and today refusing to go and bury them, I have realised how I am almost in a cage. The thing which people call grief that I need to deal with I just can't and I don't know how to get out of the cage, sorry no other way to describe it really. I'm just being so so selfish. This sounds so bad but the positive memories of him are fading and the dark ones of him not being here, seeing him in his last hour, seeing him hooked on machines, hearing him crying, the funeral, and now his ashes are taking over. I'm selfish, wingey and disrespectful and I don't like it one bit.

Tomorrow is going to be awful as I have to go to the hospital with "other" grandad and I hate it enough when I go there, but now ever since grandad passed away it is worse. I feel so icky anyway there but now I feel anger towards the staff at the hospital. I shouldn't, that is very horrible of me, but I cant change how I keep thinking they should have done more, I know they couldn't which makes me even more evil that I would think such a thing. I am coping in the ontopic way, I mean I am safe, but I really don't know how to overcome this intense feeling. I am just being such a burden on everyone when I should be supporting them, if anyone knows at all, I will be extremely greatful. Sorry.