Weird Stuff

I'm going to blog about this even though I sound like a complete idiot.

I'm fed up of being called weird and shouted at by dad. I start to panic when something I don't think is "safe" is put on TV. For example mum put britain's got talent on, I used to love that show, but recently the whole being scared of illness crap has flared up really bad and I can't watch things like that on tv because it is so unpredictable. I can watch it on my own because I can deal with it how I like, i can fast foward, hide, go out of of the room, go into a ball etc etc, with people I can't. So yeah mum put it on and i screamed and got up quickly and sat at the table. I don't know why I couldn't just make an excuse and go upstairs, I hadto make it obvious. idiot. My dad started shouting at me asking what it was about and started going "tell me what, what was that about... tell me... come on.... tell me weirdo... what was that abotu" I can't stand shouting, I cant stand being of something so stupid scared and letting it take over. I could cope just about in the early stages, I couldn't watch casulty, road wars things like that. But now, I cant watch things, I cant be around people, I hate travelling. I hate hate hate hate hate it.

post pals

One of the most fantastic ideas have a look and maybe send something to make an ill child smile :)

www.postpals.co.uk

Really pathetic ramble: Taekwondo

We were told last week (my first lesson back after the operation) that we have grading in 3 weeks. Now I know that I will not be ready for it, i mean my fitness has gone to pieces, I could only manage the first 20 odd minutes of the lesson before going to sit outside for the rest. I can't do sit ups or anything yet, I don't know why, recovery shouldn't take this long, im back running, but my taekwondo has gone to pieces. I can't remember patterns or anything, missed learning one of them. I have no idea if it is a defence thing, but I was getting the pains again, and thus getting really paranoid they didn't take the appendix out like they said, which i know is stupid. It just hurt doing it and basically my stomach muscles are awful, no idea why. *end rant about muscles and such*

About the grading, I am so angry at myself, I know, *know* I will not be able to do it, as it involves sit ups, knowing the patterns, theory, and it is a very tough work out for it, it really does take it out of you when you are healthy. I am so competitive and strive on not falling behind on things like this, I hate it when people who are at the same level as I am achieve more, and I know that the people on the same belt as me going up to the higher one, and me not, will make me feel like crap, I will end up wanting to quit.

I don't know what to do, I can't ask about it because he will think I am stupid when the answer is so obvious. I am not fit enough, I am not good enough.

Im screwed. I hate the fact I make a huge fuss over a small thing. I hate that I have wasted your time and feeling slightly sorry for myself/ being pathetic.

Hope all are well, sorry .

alcohol

fed up with alcohol causing all the bloody problems here